Junk Mail

I've gotten so much junk mail lately, and so little real email—where is everybody? tweeting, texting, fbing, email is becoming downright old-fashioned!— that I've taken to reading my junk mail. It's a mishmash of defrauders and entertainers, entreaties and exaggerations, and promises to be made, really a very rich palette if you have half the day to waste. 

Well, you know how one thing leads to another, and after hearing author Norton Juster on the radio talking about his book, The Phantom Tollbooth, with sentences that read like this: "Whether or not you find your own way, you're bound to find some way. If you happen to find my way, please return it, as it was lost years ago." which made me look at the book again with Jules Feiffer's illustrations—anything by Feiffer always makes me feel silly, as evidenced here.  So, figuring by Norton's example, the way to find yourself is by getting lost sometimes (in wordplay); therefore and thus, I present my reimagined deleted junk mail here, with apologies forthwith:

Solar penises— grow bigger!

Natalie Portman awards Liz Butler the TownHog!

Claim your Borders

Boot Camp for Children
Help them find the straight and narrow
(not making this up)

[READ THIS]

Dear Beneficiary,

Did you get my last email! 

Your official payment of 5.5 millions is

approved by World Group Bank

If you have any info about

any one that scam you

forward it to us,

British High Commission (head office)

Fresno, CA

Yours, Faithfully,

Larry Wayne Ellis

[arrested 6/10, jailed Pinellas Cty. FL]

Fix your hips 
Replace your claim
Hip replacement fixed claim from Canada
Fly Air Canada!

Vitalize and hydrolyze. Wow! What a difference!

Nevada State Dems work from home!

Congratulations, You've just won a prize Ugg!

(Alert! Send real email to stop this flagrant bastardization of junk mail! Do not delete! Final notification! Submit your application today!)